Friday, May 3, 2013

If Only I Were That Clever

I have wracked my brain trying to come up with a clever title for this post. Something that rolls off the tongue and inspires people to grab the day with both hands, with joy in their heart, and a smile on their face. However, I'm just not that clever. I can't for the life of me figure out a word that rhymes with "Mallorca" or "Tourist destination specifically designed to make me wet myself in awe, wonder, and terror." Anyone got any catchy titles for either of those? If you do, hit me up. I'll totes give you credit. 

Remember when we talked about how badly my family needed a vacation? Well, it totally happened.

Hello Mallorca, Spain. You're so pretty. Pretty, warm and sunny. You have nice wonderful roads that remind me of being back in the States. Their smooth pothole free surfaces were such a joy to travel on. (Yeah, I'm looking at you England. You know what I'm talking about. I'm half tempted to go outside and take a picture of my street's surface just so my readers can understand, but I'll save both of us the embarrassment.) Yes, Mallorca. Your sexy, smooth, wide, right-hand driving roads lulled me into a blissful state of complacency. Your tourist sites tantalized us with fabulously crafted advertisements about once in a life-time views. And when we got our exploring hats on, you went and did this to us.

Stunning view, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too.

I mean, I wasn't so thrilled about the crazy sheer drop on the other side of that AMAZINGLY thin metal guard rail, that sat beyond the non-existent shoulder, but that view was absolutely breath taking. Positive mental attitude, right? Exploring adventure powers activate! Enjoy! Hoo-yah! (Is it normal to have to give yourself a pep-talk on vacation? Oooh, I'm sure everything'll be fine.)

And sure, there were an INSANE number of cyclists on this road and the person who designed this road seemed flat out obsessed with blind corners and switch backs. But, those cyclists were tons of fun to try and navigate around. Nooo, that is not sarcasm in my voice. I live for the times I'm a passenger in a car ride that makes me feel like I'm in a live version of Mario-Kart. And is it my imagination or did the road just shrink? I mean, can our car even fit in our lane anymore? No? Huh.  Hahahahahaha. Oh no. I can't stop the nervous laughter. Hehehehehehehe...

How are these tiny little rock wall things on the side of the road supposed to stop us from falling to our deaths? How?! I mean, I'm glad they're there because sometimes they're not and that's just so scary but - Ooooo pretty water. Did the road somehow just get even narrower?? Why are we doing this again? Oh right! We're trying to get here:

Cap De Formenta

You'll have to excuse the composition of the photos. To be perfectly, embarrassingly honest, I was having a hard time looking out the window let alone through the viewfinder of the camera. But then, I made myself take a deep breath, pull on my big girl pants, and take a proper photo. 

me: "For my readers!"

My 16 year old daughter: "Seriously Mom, I don't think my ass can pucker any tighter than it is right now."

My 7 year old son: "I think we're going to die here. Well, if we gotta go, at least we're doing something cool."

Me: "Is it just me or is the road managing to get narrower every time I blink?"

My husband: "I 'm seriously starting to think I want to turn around now."

Me: "Yeah? That's cool. Sure. I think our car is longer than the road is wide. I'm not sure we CAN turn around."

My 5 year old son: "Hahahaaha! Goats! Look everybody! There are goats out there!"

And now we know who designed the roads.

Eventually, we made it to the top.

I promise, even the 16 year old made it. She's the one holding the camera. It has occurred to me though, that if you're in a place that it's natural for goats to hang out, you probably aren't meant to be there. Thankfully, there was a cafe at the top that allowed us to recoup, make some last minute additions to our wills, and reflect on our loved ones whom we might never see again. I think we had some stuff to eat and drink, but that part's a blur. I assume I was in shock at this point. You see, I knew we had to get back down that same road. That same, terrifying road, with it's crazy sheer drops with sections of missing guardrails. Like this one:

 I didn't even know what I was taking a picture of really. By this time, I was just holding up the camera, aiming it at the window, and clicking while I stared at my wonderful husbands face. I just couldn't handle looking out when there was no guardrail.

This is the perfect example of one of the switchbacks. Those cars on the side of the road? They're not coming up. They're parked. What's left of the room on the road is supposed to be two lanes of opposing traffic. Fun times.
There are no two ways about it, the people who live here are tough. "Balls of steel" if you will. I loved our visit though even if it left me with some PTSD and enough new white hair that I'm considering dying it from now on. We got to see some brilliant stuff, learn a lot, and bask in the sun in some gorgeous scenery. What more can you ask for on a vacation?

All photos are property of me. I'm a pretty good sharer so if you need them, just ask, or at least give credit.


  1. Oh my goodness, it's your family! And a very good looking family at that ;)

    You take some beautiful pictures lady. Like the water? Omg, gorgeous. Also you depict the small roads very well. In the one with the biker coming at you guys, it looks like the car is taking up all of both lanes, lol. No wonder you were getting nervous!

  2. Why thank you m'dear. My youngest in that photo couldn't stop laughing at all the goats everywhere, my husband was trying furiously not to blink in the photo (if you knew his photo history you'd understand why), and my other son is just chilled out. He's one of the most relaxed kids on the planet.

    Seriously, that photo of the water where there's no guardrail in the photo? LOL oh dear. Yeah, that was giving me a heart attack. No guardrail, just straight drop from the edge of the car. There aren't any other cars pictured in motion when we're driving down the road, because whenever another car approached us from the opposite direction, I'd get scared out of my mind and couldn't control the shaking of my hands while holding the camera. We'd dance around each other on this goat path and I'd hold my breath in the hopes that it would imbue our car with the magical qualities of the Night Bus from Harry Potter so we could squeak by each other. Even in death defying moments, I'm a geek lol.

    That picture of the guy on the bike you mentioned - your perception is totally right. Our car DID take up both lanes. And if you didn't have a sheer drop next to you, you'd have a rock wall next to you, with falling rock signs warning you something might land on you at any moment. And I think rain is a problem in these areas. I'm guessing here, but it's the only thing that makes sense. They must get a seriously bad run off effect in the area because those rock walls next to the road, are separated from you by a man made channel that's super deep. If you go off the edge of the road into it, that's it. You're done. You'll have broken the axle on your car. I think it's intended to keep the road surfaces clearer in bad weather. I totally think it's an amazing experience, I just wish I'd been armed with the knowledge that we should've ridden up on the local goats instead of an SUV :D

  3. Haha, you crack me up, especially with the Night Bus thing. I'm glad that you made it home safe, though, and that in the end you got to visit such a beautiful place. I won't pretend I am not envious, you little globe hopper ;P

  4. Amazing trip!!!! ;)
    How are You, Remember Me?

  5. OH MY GAWD. The views are amazing! I don't actually mind the thin metal "protective" railings because they were all over the Alaskan highway, there to prevent any car from falling off the mountainside into certain death. But hey, at least the view was great. ;) But seriously, though. WOW the waters are gorgeous and just the scenery! SO VERY serene and pretty! Your family is beautiful, Rachel! And it looks like despite the narrow, biker-filled roads, you all had a lovely time! I wish I lived on that side of the pond so I could travel everywhere around Europe!

  6. Yeah, I'm totes just a pansy. I should probably invest in Xanax or something when I go traveling. Bonus from the experience though! I can now drive on English roads without flinching no matter how tight or busy the space. Everything pales in comparison to that trip. lol.

  7. Hiya Aethyst! Good seeing you. We're doing well. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Wow, those are some incredible deals! I paid more to stay in a junktastic motel in Ohio for a few days and apparently my friend tells me we were kind of in a bad area of town to boot, lol.