The Man-Eating GrassHopper

The conversation I literally just had with myself.

It's pitch dark. Just the kind of dark I like when trying to sleep. There's something terribly wrong with this picture though. 

I'm awake.

Why am I awake?

 Did something just bite me on the leg? Don't be silly. Just go back to sleep. Ugh, gah! I can't. I have to go to the bathroom now. 

~sigh~ 

Covers are flung back, eyes stay glued shut while I blindly stumble to and from the bathroom and back before getting back into bed and hitting my favorite "let's go to sleep" pose.

It's not working. Maybe if I shift position? 

 

My hand sweeps under my pillow...

OMG! What the hell was that on the back of my hand?! Sweep it out of the bed! 

There's frantic flailing, blind lurching and light switches horribly abused with excessive force.

Ok. What was that? Can I see anything? No. That's sock fluff. So is that. Wow. I really need to vacuum in here more often. Did I imagine that whole thing? What am I even looking for at this point?

Cue the absent minded scratching motion on my calf...

OhMyGod! WHAT WAS THAT?! I KNOCKED IT OFF BUT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

I don't know but it's skinny and green and it's running across my carpet now! Is that a grasshopper? What ..why..is a grasshopper trying to eat me while I sleep?!

"James! Wake up!! Jaaaaaaammmmess" 

Seriously? This man can sleep through WWIII. 

You really are going to wake up right now and if my shaking you isn't going to do it, I WILL jump up and down on you because you absolutely MUST save me from the man-eating grasshopper. 

***

Dear readers, relax and breath a little easier. He did indeed wake up and save me from the ferocious flesh eating insect all though it was very touch and go there for awhile. He heroically caught it under a glass and managed to carry it outside to find it's next unsuspecting victim. 

On a different note, I owe everyone an apology for my long absence. Truth be told, I'm exhausted in every sense of the word. I've been battling all kinds of things and it's left me devoid of any creative energy. Unless it's between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. Like right now. How else would I be managing to write anything if it weren't for the fact that it's 5 in the morning?

I hear those are hours we're usually supposed to sleep but I'm starting to think sleep might be overrated. Besides, if we fall asleep the grasshoppers might get us.